I’ve been thinking a lot about how to balance my life. It’s the same thoughts that all my working parent friends face, but with the added complexity of a serious illness thrown in. I am not one to admit that I can’t do it all. In fact, It’s a point of pride that I can stay strong and determined through anything life throws me, and I’ve been doing that most of my life (my parents divorce, my mom’s illness, my mom’s suicide, my sister’s struggles). My philosophy is grin and bear it…with the grinning being a gift. However, it’s slowly dawning on me that maybe that’s been more of a survival mechanism that may actually be masking deep grief and anger. I’m starting to let down my “cheer” guard and allow myself to be sad and really MAD. I mean PISSED. No one should go through this shit, especially a 43 year old with a 3 year old son and loving husband and friends. Nope, that shit just ain’t right.
So I’m doing some work to let myself feel all the range of emotions and not automatically default to my happy go lucky space. I don’t think you’ll ever lose your smiley, cheery Michelle, but you may also see a more serious, sad Michelle. I’m working with my acupuncturist (who is also just a great Eastern spiritual guide) to work through some of those feelings. the acupuncture has been fantastic, I can literally feel sunshine flowing into the dark, evil cancer tumors in my back. I’ll continue adding some Eastern practices (herbs, meditation, sound therapy) into my traditional western practice (chemo, etc). I think THAT will help with this balancing act for sure. The yin and the yang of Eastern and Western medicine is a nice analogy of the balance I’m trying to achieve.
I’ve had some amazing kindnesses come my way lately. My lovely friends Kimmy (bestie), Michelle, Kristie and Emily wrapped me up in laughter, wine, yoga, facials and amazing food on our weekend away. Then I came home to a redecorated bedroom from Colleen (other bestie) that made my room finally feel like the sanctuary I need. I wore the cutest Kelly green raincoat to Leavenworth courtesy of Hollis (and her amazon gift certificate) and Andrea and Lacey treated me to the best homemade meal I’ve had in a long time.
It’s a sunny day today and I’m getting some rest while Brian and Desmond tromp around in the woods near our house. Again with the balancing, I am sick with a cough and cold and my back hurts…but I wanted desperately to join them (or even better join Phoebe and Lisa and the boys at the zoo), but I knew my body needed to REST and maybe my soul needed to reflect and have a little cry. Crying is still a very, very alien thing for me, but I’m letting it come when needed. But I also plan to step out in the sunshine and soak that in today too.
A far more reflective post than late. Probably a sense of things to come. But know your happy, kitten loving friend is still here. And loving you all.