Hi friends and family. I’ve been thinking about how my definition of self has changed with my cancer diagnosis and how we really define ourselves as a whole. I obviously define myself as a mother, wife, friend, professional. But how much does my cancer diagnosis define me? And how has it changed with the dreaded stage 4 diagnosis. I don’t fool myself that it has changed the way some people view me. In a GOOD and not so good way. I think there is more caring and sensitivity coming my way and an amazing amount of generosity. I can’t tell you how much it has meant to hear from so many friends and receive so many thoughtful gifts and gestures. But it also leads to some pity and fear from people, which is only natural. And I think most important is how I view myself and how much I now identify as a cancer “survivor” or “patient” as the case may be. Can you call yourself a survivor when you have cancer flowing through your blood? not sure. But I do know that I think about this cancer one way or another every single day, so it has to be part of the fabric of my identity. Cancer has made me more bold, made me identify the most important things in my life, and made me feel more loved. So it’s not such a bad thing to add to my overall sense of self. I just don’t want it to become the thing I (or others) most identify with me. I’m still the same Michelle, maybe a little more wiser and sometimes more weary, but hopefully friend, mom and wife are the more dominent identifiers still.
So those are the deep thoughts for today. Obviously you that follow me on Facebook know that I’ve been in the hospital this week. What a crazy trip that was. I woke up Wednesday morning with very bad back pain. I dropped Desmond off at school, took a hydrocodone for the pain and went to my eye doctor appointment. While there I got very sick and ended up taking a cab home (so I wouldn’t have to drive) and crawled into bed. Then began 12 hours of taking percocet every 4 hours with NO relief to the back pain. 11am on Thursday I saw my lovely oncologist who admitted me to the hospital for an MRI and the king of all pain meds…dilaudid. Folks, you do not want to mess around with this medication. But it was like getting my epidural when I was in labor, almost instant relief. I stayed on dilaudid for the next 12 hours and had an IV drip of saline to keep me hydrated. The best part is the MRI showed no change in my tumors in my back (just a bigger one down on my tailbone, but that’s still a little one compared to the rest). And it seems like all this is tied to muscle spasms,which can be fairly common in people with bone mets. They are also described as “extremely painful”. yep, I can attest that is accurate.
So I’m home now in bed resting – which is not the easiest state for me to be in. Especially on a nice, long weekend. But I’ll try to stay resting as much as possible (although I think a walk could do my back good). I hope you all are enjoying your long weekends and giving your loved ones lots of hugs and kisses. xoxo M