Hi friends & family. I would love to say that I haven’t updated this blog in 2 months because I’ve been whooping it up and having so much damn fun that I haven’t had a second of free time. I would love to say that I have felt so fantastic that there has been no news to report. But that is sadly far from the truth. The truth is I have felt like warmed over shit for the past two months. Pretty image, no?
Let’s see, so far the Navelbine has been less than the EASY treatment I was promised. The first two treatments I ended up getting a 101 degree fever each time (2 days after treatment). Which was a walk in the park compared to my 3rd treatment which landed me in the ER from uncontrollable vomiting. And of course there is the mind numbing fatigue that I’m feeling due to my rapidly plummeting red blood cell levels (oh hi anemia, nice to see you again). This last week brought the weirdest symptoms, pain in my ear and sternum and yet another fever (last night). I headed back to the doctor today to find out that my white blood cell count is super low (which means I’m immune compromised) and the weird pain is probably due to the nuelasta shots I’m getting to help boost my immunity.
All of this is to say I am OVER this. Over feeling exhausted all the time, over having chills from fevers, over feeling queasy most of the time, over this god damned cancer. The only good news in all of this crap-o-rama is I haven’t had much of an appetite so I’ve lost almost 10 pounds. Which means I feel like I can eat anything at all under the sun. Hello biscuits, cookies (thanks Carol!), ice cream, pasta. Fatten me up!
I can’t believe it’s been 3.5 years of dealing with this shit. I mean, in some ways that is awesome because it means I’m hanging in there without getting really, really sick. It could get a LOT worse. And I’m still working (well, trying to work as much as possible) and playing with Des and Brian and hanging out with friends. But the past two months have definitely taken a hit on my attitude and cheerfulness. It just seems so grim sometimes. And there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of death. And man when you’re 44 years old that just doesn’t seem right.
But every day I wake up and look at the absolutely angelic face of my son. And I get fun kitten posts from Facebook friends. And amazing meal and Disneyland gift certificates from my work family. And cards in the mail that make me smile (thank you Lucy, thank you Beth!). And my best friends take me for foot massages and chinese food. And Norine and Bridget come up to care for Desmond at least once a week. And Brian does EVERYTHING around the house and takes up all the slack with Des when I’m so tired. And I just look around at all of this goodness flowing my way and think I’m one of the luckiest people in the entire world.
So thank you. Thank you for hanging in when I’m tired and frustrated and don’t return your calls or texts or keep rescheduling plans. Thank you for your encouraging notes when I post on FB that I’m feeling low. Thank you for giving me hugs when you see me. I know things will get better and I’ll get through the latest challenges. And I’ll continue to raise up my head from my pillow and feel the sunshine on my face.