Food Preference

2014 update – please don’t be scared by the list below. It’s still FAIRLY accurate, but I now love salmon, mushrooms, most fresh fish and mashed potatoes. 🙂

Hello everyone. This is Brian, the husband, here. Anyone who plans to purchase or prepare food for Michelle should read and understand the rules. Despite the long list, Michelle has an amazingly open mind when it comes to trying new things or old dishes prepared in new ways. She will eat a lot of food she hates if she trusts you and knows you to be a good cook.

Here is a list of things that Michelle DOES NOT like. First in the form of some general guidelines for those with a short attention span:

• Spicy hot food
• Briny, vinegary marinades
• Mushy or slimy fruits or vegetables
• Hot or processed fruit
• Condiments
• Beans
• Fishy things
• Bananas

Now with the details on what you SHOULD NOT serve to her and why:

• Bananas. I don’t remember the exact story of why she started hating these angels of the produce world, but I think it had something to do with her grandfather senselessly beating her with one while he forced her to eat banana pancakes for ten hours. I’ve achieved some success in preparing a banana bread that she now enjoys, but I wouldn’t attempt to prepare anything banana-wise unless you have a high tolerance–or maybe even an affinity–for failure.
• Olives, with one noted exception: she has been known to eat tapenade, but with reaction varying from extreme repulsion to mild enthusiasm–best to avoid them. If an occasional olive does find its way onto, say, a pizza, then she’ll simply discard the trespasser and consume the slice without much protest.
• Pickles, gherkins, cornichons. Don’t even talk about them around her.
• Capers. She says she doesn’t like them, but I’ve found that if I soak them in water for a period of time sufficient to significantly reduce the residual briny quality, she won’t fuss and will just pick around ’em.
• Anything pickled or marinated in a fluid that exhibits acidic or sour characteristics, such as brine or vinegar. That means pickled asparagus, onions, bell peppers, okra, etc. are all out.
• Fruit that has been cooked or processed in such a way that it mimics the cooking process. No fruit compotes, sauces or reductions. I did once witness her enjoyment of a sort of Croque-monsieur sandwich that had some grape jelly on it, but I think this had something to do with the tides or her hormones. There are exceptions to the fruit rule. See the note below about tomatoes. She will eat some dried fruits, but not if the fruit is a constituent of a cooked meal. For example, Michelle will eat a raisin, but not if the raisin is in a bowl of couscous. I cannot imagine living without apple pie, but Michelle does and she’s happier than anyone else I know. I did on one occasion see her eat cooked blackberries, but that was at a rather haughty affair, a “farm” dinner where each guest is expected to eat and enjoy what she is served.
• Melon, except watermelon. No honeydew. No cantaloupe.
• Any “fishy” fish. No salmon. No raw or undercooked fish of any kind. No pickled herring. Halibut is alright if it is cooked until firm. Michelle will eat sole, catfish and even snapper, but only if I’ve subjected the cut to a methodical layering of batters and panko, followed by deep or shallow frying in oil. I’ve seen her eat gravlax and smoked salmon, but am unable to rationalize why she ate and enjoyed it.
• Tuna. Nevah evah. Don’t let her see or smell it. She’ll hate you for at least two hours and won’t necessarily be able to tell you why.
• Anchovies, unless I sneak a little dab of anchovy paste into a pasta dish.
• Vegetables that are prepared in a way that they become soft or mushy. Great care should be taken to trap, bleed or evaporate the vegetable’s moisture and maintain an al dente consistency. Avoid purees and soups unless you are quite skilled in soups and conform to all of the other rules observed here. She has also recently taken to eating wilted greens like chard cooked in bacon fat or spinach in tomato sauce. Avoid stews. Even roasted vegetables can be a challenge.
• Soft potatoes. This is tricky and odd for sure. Though Michelle likes mashed potatoes, she hates them when they are prepared by another method that results in a soft interior. They must be crispy or maintain a sufficiently firm bite.
• Fresh tomatoes, unless they are processed into a sauce and served with pasta. She’ll eat an heirloom tomato served to her immediately after harvesting it from the vine during the one week of the year that they should actually be picked. Cooked tomato sauce is, of course, acceptable.
• Artichokes. It doesn’t seem to matter how they are prepared. It’s not worth my effort to determine why she doesn’t like them since I used to hate them myself.
• Raw onion is OK, but only if its presence is subordinate to all other ingredients in, say, a salad, taco or some such thing. A frugal quantity of thinly sliced sweet onion or shallot is the way to go here.
• Beans. Michelle hates beans. If you want her to de-friend you on Facebook, serve her a bowl of navy bean soup or nine-bean chili. The only exception I’ve noted here is the chickpea in the form of hummus. A glass of red wine, some hummus and a pita cracker is a Michelle trifecta.
• Eggs prepared in any manner other than a scramble. No over-easy, soft-boiled, hard-boiled, sunny-side or poached eggs. Avoid quiche. Scrambled eggs and ham is a sure thing with Michelle. If you serve it in a tortilla, on an english muffin or on a bagel with a slice of cheddar cheese, she’ll be your BFF. I’m almost certain this is why she was willing to marry me. Who knew that the Egg McMuffin could so easily secure one’s happiness? McDonald’s. That’s who.
• No condiments. If you want to test her gag reflex, serve her a plate of ketchup, mustard, relish and mayonnaise. Garnish with BBQ sauce and A1.
• No tuna, egg or potato salad. I mean, in case you weren’t paying attention. Boiled eggs, soft potatoes and mayonnaise? You’d have better luck surviving a food riot in Darfur.
• Cold sandwiches. You can trick her by presenting slices of baguette, prosciutto and cucumbers for construction of an open-face style sandwich. Just don’t call them sandwiches. But really, if you’re going to serve Michelle a sandwich and tell her it’s a sandwich, then it’d better be hot, it’d better have cheese, and it’d better be tasty.
• Bad sauce. She likes sauces and gravy, but only a small portion and only if it is prepared well.
• Peanut butter based sauces. She likes peanut butter. I think she eats it every morning on an English muffin. Just don’t cook it into a meal.
• Connective tissue. No one really likes this, but a lot of us will simply chew through it with virile intention, swallow the mass and move on. She may actually spit it out in your direction.
• Nothing too spicy. The number of red flakes in a dish should not exceed the number of Jerry Garcia’s digits at his time of death. Never exceed 1/8 of a teaspoon of cayenne per gallon of foodstuff.
• Tofu. I’ve managed to get her to eat it, but it’s pretty difficult.
• American cheese. No processed cheese products such as Velveeta. Kraft mac ‘n cheese is fail, while the Annie’s box of white cheddar shells is all win. Something about this strikes me as ironic and I’ve never been able to put my finger on what it is exactly. My wife will eat an Arby’s roast beef sandwich in record time, but not if it has the cheese and BBQ sauce on it, which seems almost ludicrous to me since in my mind it is the sauce that defines how sinfully delicious (and deliciously awful) an Arby’s sandwich tastes. I think it just seems like the daughter of a navy vet, a girl who loves mac ‘n cheese more than democracy and reads US Weekly with faithful deliberation, should have a special place in her heart for processed cheese. But, she loves kittens, yet doesn’t subscribe to Cat Fancy.

OK, now for some things I can confirm she likes. Generally, the following are winners:

• Pasta dishes. But, you had better cook that shit al dente or she’ll just push it to the other side of the table. No cold pasta. No macaroni salads. No leftover pasta. Her default meal, which she would eat 7 days/week without me around, is a bowl of pasta dressed in butter or olive oil, ,parmigianio-reggiano and fleur-de-sel. Before I met her she ate this same dish except that she dressed the pasta with  Country Crock, pre-grated parmesan and table salt. Disgusting.
• Tacos. Chicken, pork or beef. No fish tacos. No tongue.
• Tamales.
• Most meat-based dishes. Roasted, braised, grilled, fried, etc. Remember: don’t serve them with anything like BBQ sauce or mushy vegetables.
• Chicken fajitas.
• Lasagna (but be careful).
• Mac and Cheese, but be careful. Know what you’re doing. If your recipe is out of some casserole book from 1980, don’t bother. She could teach a class on this dish.
• Phad see ew.
• Rad na (Rat na, Rad Nah).
• Stir fried vegetables with rice. It’s best to serve this with some kind of meat or it will confuse her.
• Clams or muscles with pasta.
• Pizza. Not a surprise here, but it’s worth mentioning that she will eat a quality pie.
• Fried rice with vegetables (don’t let them throw any pineapple in the dish).
• Fresh fruits: oranges, apples, watermelon, strawberries, blueberries, grapes, kiwi.
• Vegetables: bell peppers, asparagus, zucchini, mushrooms, cucumbers, kale, chard. She’ll usually eat most vegetables as long as they are firm and aren’t exceedingly bitter.
• A note on mushrooms: don’t try these unless you know what you’re doing. Even if you think you know what you’re doing, make sure someone else confirms that you do.
• Biscuits.
• Hush puppies (thanks, Uncle Leo!)

I’ll add more as I think of things, so check back often.

Thanks,

Brian