I feel like I need to name my cancer, since it’s going to be around for the forseeable future (aka years and years). Something horrible and insulting, like “Horace” or “Butthead”. I’m open to suggestions. Anyhoo, I’m reaching that exhausted point that comes with thinking about something shitty for hours each day. I told Brian today that I’m kind of done with this whole “I have cancer” thing. Which is quite the deja vu feeling.
There are certainly days where I just really don’t want to deal with this. It feels like I have to be so much more diligent this time around. The first time there was a clear plan and I knew that after 10 months of treatment I would be cancer free. But with Stage 4 it’s more like having to make sure that I’ve exhausted all healing solutions. Along with my medical healing, I need to make changes to my diet (more veggies!), look into acupuncture, make sure I (or my doctor) is up on the latest trials/research, start counseling, join support groups, etc., etc. All while working full time and raising a active toddler. Ugh. You all know I rarely grant myself a pity party…but today I feel the need to throw up my hands and admit (temporary) defeat.
However, in true sunshine and kittens fashion, there have been amazing moments over the past couple of weeks. Today we had an amazing talk from a Harvard historian and professor who has battled breast cancer herself. I was able to talk with her about my cancer and she had some very inspirational (and practical) advise. And I’ve heard from countless people on friends/co-workers/family that were given a very short survival timeline and lived for decades with their cancer.
I’ve also gotten to spend some very important quality time with my friends and family. We had a blast over New Year’s at the ocean with dear friends (including bestie Kim). And the fact I can walk a block to bestie Colleen’s house has been life saving over the last few weeks. Brian’s mom spent the night this weekend which gave me time to relax and watch the joy Desmond has spending time with his Nana. Jen is putting together a nutrition plan for me and I get daily emails and notes from many of you. Oh, and I’ve gotten back in touch with my Irish cousins who I haven’t seen in 14 years! I was THRILLED to talk to all the McCluskey girls again and now have an Ireland visit on my short list of things to do in the next year or so.
So I’m hanging tough, friends. As far as treatment goes…only 4 more radiation treatments left and I just got my second round of Faslodex (by the way, shots really hurt in yer ass). My back is still really hurting, but that’s what lovely pain pills are for. Thanks for continuing to hang on for the roller coaster ride, I promise we’ll be on a fun loop de loop portion soon. xoxo