Hi friends. Long overdue for an update. To be honest, it’s hard for me to blog when I’m feeling stressed and down. It’s such an uncomfortable way for me to feel since it’s so opposite of my normal mental state. But this blog is all about capturing the ups and downs…so time to capture the down.
I’m struggling with this stage 4 diagnosis and how to attack it. The first time around we had a very clear start and end date to treatment. Mastectomy, chemo and radiation then DONE with cancer. Which obviously wasn’t the story end that was envisioned. Now there is no “end” date and the treatment is much less aggressive (which in turn just feels like inactively). And for someone like me who is very task oriented, that is MADDENING. I know that the treatment I’m on is the right thing for me and since I’ll be in treatment for the rest of my life we need to take it slow and steady, but mentally I don’t feel as ‘kick ass’ as the first round.
Speaking of mental, I’m definitely feeling the strains of stress from this stupid diagnosis. I’m having a lot of stomach issues which we’ve determined is partially due to the radiation I had, but partially due to the stress. That obviously wasn’t helped by the stomach flu I had this week. GOOD times. But I now have some good medication that should help with that. The harder part is I have no capacity to deal with any kind of stress at all (beyond cancer stress). I find my reaction to little stresses is far overblown for the situation. And I feel like screaming or sleeping a lot more often then usual. 😉
But there are wonderful kitten-like wins in my life. The continued support and love being showered upon me. All the amazing friends and family that contributed to our weekly meal delivery (such a help!), the weekly encouraging cards from Beth B., my friend Sean getting ready to ride his bike hundreds of miles in my honor to benefit cancer research (and all the lovely people that have contributed to that) and just the every day notes and hugs. It makes the frustration and stress fade to a tiny whisper.
And in 2 weeks we will travel down to glorious Sayulita, Mexico with Desmond and some friends to bask in the sun, drink margaritas and watch our kids frolic in the ocean. Sunshine and relaxation will go a long way to ease my soul. So happier posts to come! thanks for hanging in there with me. xo