Hi friends. Time for another update on the ole roller coaster that is my life these days. With my usual silver lining start, I can report that the chemo is treating me VERY well! Not much nausea and just a little more tired than usual. There can be some annoying side affects (most notably hand and foot syndrome – which you can read about here), but in my first 2 weeks I’m doing totally fine. And my back pain is much better – just kind of sore now but no real pain.
Unfortunately the down turn in this ride is the sinking realization of what Stage 4 cancer really means. For someone who feels way more natural being happy and cheery, thinking about death on a daily basis does not sit well. The thoughts run the gamut, from practicalities (really need to update my living will) to sadness (I won’t be alive to see Desmond get his driver’s license). I hesitate to share those feelings because I know friends and family just want me to be positive or not to give up hope that I won’t survive this thing for decades to come. But there is a mourning that comes with realizing you have incurable cancer. The first few months I was in shock, and I think this is just a very natural thing in this stage of diagnosis to be going through. I have more sad days then I’m used to, but I also cherish happy times even more so then in the past.
Speaking of happy times, I have had some fantastic high points in the past week. I met up with a new Support Group of women than are all under 45 and living with stage 4 cancer. They were all amazing, hilarious women (I LOVED all the cussing we all did) and I look forward to seeing them all every month. I also got together with my new friend Julie who helped me realize the feelings I’m going through are totally normal. She said it took her a good 6 months to really come to grips with all that a stage 4 diagnosis means.
And this past weekend was absolutely perfect! Easter Sunday was gorgeous, gorgeous and filled with easter egg hunts with Brian’s family and later with all my best friends. And Saturday night was a mini HS reunion with some of my favorite Bruins. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long, long time. I’m still on a nice little high from all the fun this weekend.
And coming up this weekend I get to go on a trip with 4 of my girlfriends. We’ll go up to Sleeping Lady Lodge in Leavenworth and drink wine, read magazines and get facials. Ahhhhh.
Hope you are all happy and healthy. Much love to you for joining me in on this wild ride.
