Hi friends. Well I turned 45 yesterday which is a great thing! You learn to celebrate the passing of each year with a cancer diagnosis. I wish I could say the day started off good but I had some crappy news at the start.

I went in for chemo (yes, birthday chemo) and to meet with my oncologist to review the results from my CT scan on Thursday. Brian was with me and we got the unfortunate news that my cancer has totally progressed. All the spots on my liver are about 3x larger (about 1.5 cm from .5 cm). There is also some calcification on my lung lining in addition to the ongoing fluid. Which I believe means that could turn into actual tumors. I also have two lymph nodes in my chest that are filled with cancer. So overall not a good result.

What this means is my chemo drugs (taxotere and cytoxin) are not working on my cancer. They are very strong chemo drugs so that means my cancer is extremely resistant to mainline chemos. Usually chemos stop being affective after a certain amount of time, but it’s rarely this quickly. So my onc said we just have to keep trying different chemos to hopefully find one that my cancer responds to. Yesterday I started a chemo called Eribulin (aka Halaven). It has fewer side effects than the taxotere and cytoxin and is administered much quicker (it only takes about 3 min to get the medicine – about 45 min total with my pre-meds). In fact today I feel pretty good – just mild nausea and a little worn down.

The other thing Dr. Rinn suggested is to look into clinical trials. This is the first time she’s suggested that, so I know she’s feeling really serious about this latest development. A clinical trial means trying medication that is new or newly discovered for treating cancer. Currently Swedish doesn’t have any trials that I’m eligible for, so she’s going to check with the UW here in Seattle to see if they have any good trials. Otherwise we’re going to have to travel out of state. The top research hospitals are in Houston, NYC and LA. So we’ll also reach out to those hospitals and see what we can find. If I got into a trial with them, it would mean traveling to those cities at least every couple of weeks. So that could get interesting…

I’m feeling scared but ready to take on this latest set back. And it helped to come home to a beautifully decorated house and a wonderful dinner with all my best friends. I think it will take me a few days to really comprehend what this means, but as always I’m feeling up to the fight and hoping for a good result from the latest chemo.

More to come…but wanted all my wonderful supporters to have the latest info. Much love, M

Hi friends! Last I updated you I was about to go in for the lung catheter placement. As you may have seen from my FB post, in true Michelle fashion I had a completely bizarre reaction where I had stunningly bad pain the night of the placement and ended up in the ER getting pumped full of morphine. Well unfortunately there has not been a cessation of pain (although thankfully it has not been to the degree that it was that night) since the placement. It’s just a consistent pain in my right shoulder area. We met with the lung doc last week and he is completely and utterly stumped on what could be causing the pain. I’ve had more x-rays and he’s consulted with his whole practice and there is just no reason at all for this pain. But since it started with the catheter placement, we decided we needed to now REMOVE the catheter. Aye yi yi.

So on Friday I’ll go in to have it removed (which thankfully he can just do in the office) and hope hope hope that stops the pain. I’m still taking vicodin every day for it, so it’s time to do something. Not that I don’t enjoy being in a pain pill haze every day. If removing the catheter doesn’t stop the pain then we’re back to square one. Removing it also means I’ll have to go into the lung doc to have my lungs drained now instead of having the ability to do it at home. But it does seem like the amount of fluid is diminishing, so I’m hoping the chemo is doing it’s job and knocking that out.

Speaking of chemo, I had my 2nd treatment on Friday. Laura, Kim and Bob kept me fine company and we laughed and whooped it up the full 4 hours. The last 5 days since chemo have been pretty much been exactly as the last treatment, bad nausea all weekend, exhaustion, and just starting to climb out of it today. My AMAZING mom-in-law has been staying with us since Friday to help with Desmond and take care of me during the day. So I’ve been incredibly well cared for. Colleen was home sick today so we got to watch a movie together and read magazines in our sweats. I’m going a bit out of my mind being housebound so I think tomorrow I’ll take a walk around the block. I know…it’s so exciting being a cancer patient!!

I continue to be humbled by the love showered on me. I received two VERY special scarves from many work friends (hello Burberry and Hermes – oh my!!). Kim put together a benefit meditation/yoga evening that so many of my friends attended and raised over $500 for Metavivor (strangers even gave at the yoga studio!!), Lucy continues to send me my daily cards and treats, and so many of you have sent me my comfy scarves and clothes from my Nordstrom wish list (and thanks to Holly R for getting something for Brian too!). I hope you all know that every single card, email, gift, text, kitty video and hug gives me more strength. You all make it so I can wake up and look at my bald head and say “okay, let’s get to fighting” every single day.

And with that, I leave you with said bald head. I can’t believe I’m back here again after growing out my hair for the past 2.5 years, but I sure do have some stunning scarves to cover it with now. 😉  Much love to you all.

Hi lovely friends and family. Time to update you all on the good ‘ole “C” journey. So the chemo treated me as expected. I had about 8 days of nausea, aches, pains, exhaustion. It was manageable but not super fun. But starting day 9 (thursday this week) I started to feel much better. So hopefully that will be the norm on this chemo regiment. It’s nice to know I have another 10 days of feeling good before my next treatment (going in day after Thanksgiving). I’ll spend that relaxing and getting some good rest to gear up for treatment #2.

But unfortunately it’s not all sunshine & kittens…my pleural effusion has been really bad. I had over a LITER of liquid drained on Monday and when we went back in on Friday it was almost all back. Ugh ugh ugh. And as I think I’ve expressed in the past, getting that drained sucks ass. It is NOT fun. SO the great lung doc (Dr. Jed Gorden) called up my oncologist and talked her into letting me get a catheter installed tomorrow.

What that means is Dr. Gorden will insert a catheter into my side that will stick out a bit. Then Brian will be able to drain my lung lining from home (I realize that sounds SO GROSS!). But the good thing about that is I’ll have more relief because the liquid won’t build up so much since we’ll be able to drain it on a regular, frequent schedule. And I won’t have the sucky pain of having a catheter inserted each time I have build up like I have been over the past few months.  So tomorrow at 12:30 I’ll be getting my SIXTH scar thanks to this cancer. Wheeeee!  Just in case you’re keeping track: #1 – mastectomy. #2 & #3 – mastectomy drain scars, #4 port number 1, #5 – port number 2 and #6 – catheter.  I look like Frankenstein. 😉

Overall my mood is good right now which has a lot to do with how well I feel today. It’s a stunningly beautiful day and I get to spend the day playing with Desmond and Brian. I also have felt SHOWERED by love from so many of you. Comfy pjs, my fave sweatshirts, food, gift certificates, pretty bracelets, chemo care packages, plants, flowers, cards. Just so much love. And my wonderful bosses at work treated us to a Thanksgiving meal from Tom Douglas so we don’t have to worry about cooking. Yeah!

Thanks for keeping me happy and positive, dear friends. Here’s a picture Desmond took of me this morning because he thinks my pj’s are “cute”.

Hi friends. Bad news this week I’m afraid. My scans came back with the awful news that my cancer has spread to my liver. I also have two enlarged lymph nodes (with cancer) and my pleural effusion (fluid in lung lining) was also back. The only good news is the spots on my liver (8 total) are very small (the biggest being 1.4 cm) so it’s not affecting my liver functionality at all.

This cancer is just an aggressive son of a bitch. All of this new activity has just happened in the last 2 months  – WHILE I’ve been on chemo. So it’s time to blast it with the big gun chemo. My oncologist has really been trying to preserve my quality of life, but no more. Starting on Wednesday I’ll go on two different chemos. Cytoxin – which I was taking in oral format in the past and Taxotere. The two combined can cause the following side effects: hair loss, low red cell count, low white cell count, nausea, strong muscle aches, diarrhea, extreme fatigue. Taxotere can also cause swelling in hands, feet or abdomen, so I’ll take steroids for the 3 days around treatment to help counter that effect. They’ll also administer an anti-nausea and fluids during treatment.

My treatment will be every 21 days – so that’s good that I won’t have to have treatment every week. It sounds like it will wipe me out for most of the 3 weeks, but I’m hoping for a few days of relief between treatments. We shall see.

Obviously Brian and I are reeling from this and really scared. My biggest fear is what happens when I go off this treatment (which will be when I can’t tolerate it anyone). Will the cancer just come rushing back as bad? Or to a new place? But I’m trying hard to just focus on each day and not project too much into the future.

I know many of you may want to help out and I so appreciate it. As we get a better idea of how this treatment goes I’ll post on FB (or here) if there are certain things I need. Right now I’m just hunkering down and getting some rest before the fight to come.  Send me good luck! xo

Hi friends & family. I would love to say that I haven’t updated this blog in 2 months because I’ve been whooping it up and having so much damn fun that I haven’t had a second of free time. I would love to say that I have felt so fantastic that there has been no news to report. But that is sadly far from the truth. The truth is I have felt like warmed over shit for the past two months. Pretty image, no?

Let’s see, so far the Navelbine has been less than the EASY treatment I was promised. The first two treatments I ended up getting a 101 degree fever each time (2 days after treatment). Which was a walk in the park compared to my 3rd treatment which landed me in the ER from uncontrollable vomiting. And of course there is the mind numbing fatigue that I’m feeling due to my rapidly plummeting red blood cell levels (oh hi anemia, nice to see you again). This last week brought the weirdest symptoms, pain in my ear and sternum and yet another fever (last night). I headed back to the doctor today to find out that my white blood cell count is super low (which means I’m immune compromised) and the weird pain is probably due to the nuelasta shots I’m getting to help boost my immunity.

All of this is to say I am OVER this. Over feeling exhausted all the time, over having chills from fevers, over feeling queasy most of the time, over this god damned cancer. The only good news in all of this crap-o-rama is I haven’t had much of an appetite so I’ve lost almost 10 pounds. Which means I feel like I can eat anything at all under the sun. Hello biscuits, cookies (thanks Carol!), ice cream, pasta. Fatten me up!

I can’t believe it’s been 3.5 years of dealing with this shit. I mean, in some ways that is awesome because it means I’m hanging in there without getting really, really sick. It could get a LOT worse. And I’m still working (well, trying to work as much as possible) and playing with Des and Brian and hanging out with friends. But the past two months have definitely taken a hit on my attitude and cheerfulness. It just seems so grim sometimes. And there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of death. And man when you’re 44 years old that just doesn’t seem right.

But every day I wake up and look at the absolutely angelic face of my son. And I get fun kitten posts from Facebook friends. And amazing meal and Disneyland gift certificates from my work family. And cards in the mail that make me smile (thank you Lucy, thank you Beth!). And my best friends take me for foot massages and chinese food. And Norine and Bridget come up to care for Desmond at least once a week. And Brian does EVERYTHING around the house and takes up all the slack with Des when I’m so tired. And I just look around at all of this goodness flowing my way and think I’m one of the luckiest people in the entire world.

So thank you. Thank you for hanging in when I’m tired and frustrated and don’t return your calls or texts or keep rescheduling plans. Thank you for your encouraging notes when I post on FB that I’m feeling low. Thank you for giving me hugs when you see me.  I know things will get better and I’ll get through the latest challenges. And I’ll continue to raise up my head from my pillow and feel the sunshine on my face.

I survived the port placement! At 6:45am yesterday we checked into hospital for the port placement. All went well. They gave me a fantastic cocktail of drugs to make me drift away and the doc placed my new titanium port (FAR more fancy then my old one of 2 years ago). The doc made two incisions, one for the port and a tiny nick to access the vein (thus the two bandages in the picture below).

Then I met with my oncologist who confirmed the unfortunate (but not surprising) fact that the fluid in my lung lining was indeed malignant. It’s also more than likely already back. I’m having shortness of breath and mild coughing again. That is totally normal, but a big ole bummer that I’m going to have to do the thorancentisis again.

Anyhoo, then I went in for my first chemo treatment of Navelbine. Besides being groggy from my drug cocktail and really sore, it was a walk in the park. They gave me a drip of anti-nausea drugs for about 20 minutes, then the Navelbine, which is actually injected into the line with a syringe. That took about 6 minutes. Then a 30 minute saline drip and I was done. It will be a relatively quick treatment compared to the last time I was on infusion chemo.

Next week I’ll go in for chemo on Wednesday and then Thursday I’ll go in for the thorancentisis. Ugh, not looking forward to having a gigantic needle shoved in my back again. But the chemo will also take care of the stupid cancer in my lung lining, so hopefully I won’t have to have the fluid removed again after next week.

So I’m home resting now. I’m wicked tired and my chest hurts like a bitch. But I’m going to take my pain pills and watch Sherlock. More updates to come, but I wanted you all to know I survived. 😉  The below picture shows me in all my tired, no make up, bandaged glory. xoxo

Hi friends! I have lots of news to share with you all. Since the last post I had my bone PT scan and my CT scan done. Not surprisingly, given my shitty cancer count numbers, that did not yield a lot of good news. My bone mets are back up to 7 spots, 2 spots on spine are worse than the last scan, and 2 new spots have cropped up. What’s more concerning is I’ve developed a pleural effusion on my right lung. That means extra fluid (I have about 2 inches of fluid) between the pleural lining and my lung. That manifests itself as pressure in my chest, a little trouble breathing and pain in my chest when I bend over. It also means that it most likely contains malignant cells.

Yesterday I met with my oncologist and we have a really good plan in place. Today at 1:30pm I’ll get a thoracentesis, which is a procedure where the doc inserts a big ass needle into my back and into the pleural lining. He’ll drain the fluid to both test it for malignancy but also to releive a lot of the symptoms I’m having. yay! I’m not super excited about having a needle so close to my lung (and I hear it kind of hurts) but it will be awesome to get this fluid out of my lung area. 

Then next week I’ll have a port surgically put back in my chest (oh hi port, I’ve really missed having you sticking out of my chest) and then late next week I’ll start a new infusion chemo called Navelbine. From all reports this chemo is a walk in the park compared to some of the chemos I’ve been on in the past. No hair loss (and you KNOW that makes me and my head happy) and very few symptoms beyond low blood counts (red/white cells) and fatigue. So I will totally take that. I’ll get treatment for 2 weeks on, 1 week off. If my cancer responds to this chemo I could potentially stay on it for a real long time. So please send good thoughts in the next few weeks that I take this chemo well.

I’ve been taking some time off work which has been SO good for my overall fatigue and stress. I’ll go back after Labor Day and I’m totally ready. I miss my work family a whole lot. And it gets boring/lonely being home by myself. I don’t know what the hell I would have done if I had this shit disease at any other company besides Starbucks. My work friends and bosses have been BEYOND supportive. I’m a very fortunate gal.

In other news, we’re going to take Desmond to Disneyland at the end of September. Brian and I have been really worried about how all of this is affecting him. We had an awesome conversation with a social worker at Swedish about how we should talk to him about my cancer and treatment. We need to be much more direct and open with him. This mama bear just wants to protect him from everything, but that’s actually not the most healthy way to deal with this. So we’ll be having some good convos with him and then taking a nice family trip together at the end of the month. I think we need/deserve the time in sun and our inaugural trip to Disney.

So there you have it – the latest and greatest. Thanks as always for all your support, hugs, calls, texts and posts. It means the world to me. And just because, here’s a picture of my favorite celebrity cat, Roku, and his lookalike kittens. 🙂

WOW – it’s been almost a year since I’ve updated this blog. Poor, poor neglected sunshine and kittens. I guess in some ways that’s a good thing since I haven’t had anything major to report (you know, like being diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer). But I’ve been wanting to get some things off my chest, so it is high time to update you all.

First off, I am officially SO SICK OF HAVING CANCER!!! I mean, I have it SO good compared to most with Stage 4. It’s not in my organs, I’m not in imminent danger of dying, I still have energy enough to work (at least 4 days a week). But god damn, I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore. No matter what medication I’m on, I just have crap symptoms to deal with. And some times LITERALLY crap. ha! Oh cancer humor.

But to back up, because of my horrible pain in my feet last year, I switched to a lower dose of xeloda and added cytoxin. That combination not only got rid of my feet pain (although my feet will forever look horrible/cracked), but it brought my cancer count (CA 27.29) down to NORMAL levels. Which was awesome. Happy, happy!!

But in the case of all these awesome medicines, which are saving my life, unfortunate side effects follow. This time in the form of daily diarrhea (the “crap” I referred to earlier). Guess what gang, daily diarrhea makes your bum HURT. I mean, tears down your face hurt. Oh you get the good, the bad, and the ugly here, right? Anyhoo, in addition to the increasingly bad pain I was in, my cancer count started jumping up (current numbers are 48+). So my onc decided it was high time to switch to a new regiment of  meds – a combo of aromisin and afinitor. What these two meds do is block my m-TOR pathways, which basically are the bridges my cancer most likely travels around on.  Think of it like putting up road blocks.

But as always, there are super fun side effects, and Afinitor comes with MOUTH SORES. grosssss!! I mean, basically canker sores. Which don’t sound that bad, right? But man, I only have two right now and they freaking hurt. Like all the time. Like I don’t want to eat. Like it really sucks trying to say “T” and “S” words because it makes my tongue hurt. Jesus.

Oh and because I’m menopausal, my thyroid is all fucked up. So I’m on thyroid meds which could be a great thing because hopefully it will give me energy. But I’m almost 4 weeks in on thyroid meds and I still don’t have much energy.

You guys know how much I hate being negative. I so so believe in a good attitude and that positive thoughts can make a huge difference in my prognosis and longevity. But I am so sick of this all. Sick. Of. It.

Okay, so there’s my purge. But here we go, here’s the silver lining. I’m alive. I don’t have cancer in my brains, lungs or liver. All of which is common with breast cancer mets. I have enough energy to play with my son. I get to do some fun trips this summer. I have the most loving friends and family in the world. I love my job. I laugh every day. I get to hug my son close to me (he’s holding my arm as I type this). I am going to beat the odds and live with this fucking disease for at least 15 more years. And it could be a million times worse.

So thank you for reading through my vent. My outlook will get better. And in the meantime I’ll apply my oragel to my gross canker sores and be happy that I’ll probably drop a few pounds out of all of this.  More regular updates to come! Thanks as always for traveling along with me. xo

hi friends. welcome back to the continuing adventures of Cancerland. So I’ll start with the latest good news. Last night I got my latest blood results and my cancer markers are down to 49!! Seeing how they were at 72 just 4 months ago, that is great movement! That means the chemo regiment I’m on is the right one. Unfortunately the new chemo brings my white blood count down, so I’m TIRED. Like exhausted tired. But I’m pushing through it and getting good marker results certainly helps.

I got a wonderful chance to rest on my South Carolina trip. It was amazing to see my family (many of which I haven’t seen in 2 years). I read a million magazines, watched 10 episodes of “Orange is the New Black”, read a book, swam in the lake, played poker, watched a thunderstorm, visited my mom’s grave and got to spend hours talking with my amazing family. Perfect vacation.

The week prior to that Brian and I attended a cancer retreat at Harmony Hill. Well named, that resort. Filled with stunning gardens and gorgeous water views, it was a lovely place to work on bring harmony to this shitty diagnosis of cancer. There were about 30 other people there, half survivors/half caretakers. We spent a lot of time learning about meditation, healing the trama of diagnosis and bonding with fellow participants (oh and had a drum circle…um yeah). More than anything it reminded me to try and live for the now. And it strengthened my resolve to slow down, breathe deep, and cut out some of the obligations in my life. I have some residual guilt about not taking care of some things (working after hours, answering email from friends, attending all social invites), but at the end of the day I need to prioritize rest and relaxation over everything but Desmond (he still gets position #1).

And the latest little bit of sunshine is our newest family member, George. We had a pet fair at work and I walked away with a 3 month old kitten. Desmond loves him (and named him), Brian tolerates him, and Carter (kitty #1) hates him with a passion. And I ADORE him…sweetest cuddly kitty ever. So I’ll sign off with a picture of sweet George and wish you all a wonderful weekend. xoxo

Well overdue for a blog update…so here we go. Let’s jump into cancer update. My feet and hands have gotten progressively worse on the Xeloda chemo, so my oncologist, Dr. Rinn, decide to decrease my dose to 2,000mg of the Xeloda (from 3,000) and added a daily chemo called Cychophosphamide (say that 3x fast). Hopefully that mixture will lead to relief for my feet but still keep the cancer contained. On Tuesday I got the results from my blood tests and my CA27.29 (cancer marker) was down to 59!!!  That is a great jump…down 9 points from June (68). So of course I now question whether I should be changing my chemo regiment with good success on Xeloda. But we’ll just see what my markers do over the next few months.

In an effort to try and figure out this whole “balance” thing, I’ve decided to formally go down to 4 days a week at work (so take a decrease in pay). I was hoping social security or disability would help balance out the difference, but that isn’t looking promising. But I’ll keep looking into that, and in the meantime I’ll truly take 1 day a week for myself to rest, do acupuncture and massage, and take some walks with my hopefully healed feet.  One of the most amazing things about working for Starbucks is how incredibly supportive everyone has been there.  I can’t even imagine how hard this would be if I didn’t have such a wonderful boss and supportive co-workers.

We had a wonderful camping trip up on Mt. Rainier last weekend. It was so nice to be out in nature and unplugged. I’m now on 2 weeks of vacation! Brian and I are going to a cancer retreat at Harmony  Hill down in Hood Canal. The retreat will involve meditation, yoga, group workshops and good food. I’m looking forward to bonding with some fellow survivors as well as learning some additional survival techniques for both Brian and me.  On Thursday and Friday I’ll spend the days hanging out with a super cute guy named Desmond and getting some serious cuddle time in. Then Sunday I’m off to South Carolina to see my family! 5 days of poker, wine, hush puppies, swimming and boating. I’m leaving Brian and Desmond at home…so it will be a bittersweet trip. But it will give me 5 days to truly relax. Can’t wait!

So good news all around. Thanks for all of your love and sweet wishes on Facebook, it’s like a big ole fluffy blanket of a hug. xoxo