hi friends. I’ve neglected sunshine&kittens lately, so here’s the update. I’m feeling pretty frustrated these days with the affects of my chemo. As you might remember, I’m on an oral chemo called Xeloda. One of the affects of this medication is hand & foot syndrome. What that means is my hands and feet get swollen, cracked skin, and a horrible burning/itching feeling. When I first read about this symptom I thought to myself “well, that’s no big deal. that’s nothing compared to losing my hair or feeling horribly sick”. But I gotta tell you, having swollen, painful feet is not a walk in the park (ha, pun attended). Towards my 6th day of being on chemo (I get a week off after every two), it’s getting hard to walk. And I have to wear sensible shoes – gah!! It’s very hard to pick out cute outfits for work when the best you can do is sneakers. I do believe a shopping trip is in order for some cute, comfortable shoes (if such a thing exists).  I’ve included some lovely photos below so you can see how pretty my hands and feet are these days.

In addition to my feet issues, I’ve been seeing a sleep doctor and we’ve determined that I have sleep apnea. Brian could have made that diagnosis months ago as he hears me stop breathing numerous times a night. I did a home sleep study and I stop breathing about 15 times an hour. Which means I’m not exactly getting a good night’s sleep (even if i’m not consciously aware I’m waking). So I get to go on a CPaP machine which basically gives me oxygen all night. But it means wearing a oxygen type mask on my nose all night. When I asked my doc whether this was related to chemo, she said it was actually more likely related to menopause (which of course I’m in BECAUSE of chemo). She said it’s a very common issues with women in menopause. ugh.

And to top it all off, I got my cancer marker test and my count is up to 68. Last month it was 62, so it’s going in the opposite direction we want it to. It’s a small fluxuation, and my doc isn’t worried at all about it, but after the awesome results last month (72 to 62), I want to know that being on this stupid chemo is having really good results. But I just have to remember this is a very, very long journey I’m on (right?, at least another 10 or 20 years I get to stick around) and these little set backs are going to be a part of my daily life now.

Okay, so let’s turn this little journey around and focus on the positive. One of the things a lot of cancer patients talk about (especially us stage 4’ers) is that after awhile you lose the attention and caring of friends and family. Not in a bad way, but just in a way that it’s not so immediate as when you’re first diagnosed. As someone that LOVES attention, you can imagine that would be tough for me to deal with. But that has not at all been the case with me. Thanks to all of you, I still feel surrounded with love and caring and attention. Lately I’ve had some wonderful gestures. My lovely friend Sean rode over 200 miles from Canada to Seattle to help raise money for cancer research (photo of us below). He and Michelle and their kids all cheered him on with homemade signs that called out who he was riding for (me!). And Tom gave me a delicious bottle of really nice wine. Joe and Cara gave me a very generous gift certificate to Amazon and Tiffany treated me to a massage. And Kim continues to host outdoor movies to raise money for Young Cancer Coilition (thank you Davis’ and Jonathan, Dale & Nate for your donations!).  And my amazing mom-in-law and sis-in-law have come up every week to give me and Brian a break.  I’m touched, awed, joy filled and humbled by all the love you all are showing me.

I had a wonderful visit with my sister and nephew who visited from Tucson and I booked a trip to South Carolina to visit my family in August. I get to go by myself, so it will be a true relaxing vacation (that you, love, for being solo with Desmond while I relax on the lake). Can’t WAIT to see my southern family.  I appreciate all the lovely notes and well wishes you all have sent my way. It makes dealing with these stupid physical issues much easier. Much love…

Hi friends and family. I’ve been thinking about how my definition of self has changed with my cancer diagnosis and how we really define ourselves as a whole. I obviously define myself as a mother, wife, friend, professional. But how much does my cancer diagnosis define me? And how has it changed with the dreaded stage 4 diagnosis. I don’t fool myself that it has changed the way some people view me. In a GOOD and not so good way. I think there is more caring and sensitivity coming my way and an amazing amount of generosity. I can’t tell you how much it has meant to hear from so many friends and receive so many thoughtful gifts and gestures. But it also leads to some pity and fear from people, which is only natural. And I think most important is how I view myself and how much I now identify as a cancer “survivor” or “patient” as the case may be. Can you call yourself a survivor when you have cancer flowing through your  blood? not sure. But I do know that I think about this cancer one way or another every single day, so it has to be part of the fabric of my identity. Cancer has made me more bold, made me identify the most important things in my life, and made me feel more loved. So it’s not such a bad thing to add to my overall sense of self. I just don’t want it to become the thing I (or others) most identify with me. I’m still the same Michelle, maybe a little more wiser and sometimes more weary, but hopefully friend, mom and wife are the more dominent identifiers still.

So those are the deep thoughts for today. Obviously you that follow me on Facebook know that I’ve been in the hospital this week. What a crazy trip that was. I woke up Wednesday morning with very bad back pain. I dropped Desmond off at school, took a hydrocodone for the pain and went to my eye doctor appointment. While there I got very sick and ended up taking a cab home (so I wouldn’t have to drive) and crawled into bed. Then began 12 hours of taking percocet every 4 hours with NO relief to the back pain. 11am on Thursday I saw my lovely oncologist who admitted me to the hospital for an MRI and the king of all pain meds…dilaudid. Folks, you do not want to mess around with this medication. But it was like getting my epidural when I was in labor, almost instant relief. I stayed on dilaudid for the next 12 hours and had an IV drip of saline to keep me hydrated. The best part is the MRI showed no change in my tumors in my back (just a bigger one down on my tailbone, but that’s still a little one compared to the rest). And it seems like all this is tied to muscle spasms,which can be fairly common in people with bone mets. They are also described as “extremely painful”. yep, I can attest that is accurate.

So I’m home now in bed resting – which is not the easiest state for me to be in. Especially on a nice, long weekend. But I’ll try to stay resting as much as possible (although I think a walk could do my back good).  I hope you all are enjoying your long weekends and giving your loved ones lots of hugs and kisses. xoxo M

Wow…sunshine is certainly a perfect name for my blog (of course with kittens). When first starting this blog 2 years ago Brian asked me what my favorite things are…thus sunshine and kittens was born. And sunshine is what I am currently soaking up with gusto. It is a STUNNINGLY beautiful day here and I’m currently writing this update from my back porch. I have a newly decorated table set up on our deck and a delicious smoothie fresh from my vitamix (thanks again, Gina, Julie, Carrie, Amy & Ann!!). I tend to forget how renewing sunshine actually is…it’s almost impossible to be sad or blue on a day like today.

Speaking of being blue, I’ve been feeling more strong emotionally lately. Still dealing with the middle of the night freak outs every once in a while (not helped by the ridiculously bad hot flashes I’ve had lately), but I’m trying to feel the stress and breathe through it as opposed to tamping it down. And it helps to feel physically good right now. I’ve just had a week off chemo (reminder I’m 2 weeks on, 1 week off) so that helps to give me a little perk of energy with less side affects. the only bad side affect I’m dealing with the “on” weeks is this weird swelling in my right hand and the aforementioned hot flashes. But still so far so good on this xeloda chemo.

I’m also working on being open to help from friends and family more than in the past (and not feeling as guilty when receiving it). Colleen knew I haven’t been feeling my very prettiest lately, so she and Laura treated me to eyelashes yesterday (with a lovely breakfast treat from Holly)! Pics below.  And Andrea commissioned a dinner from her bestie Lacey (which was amazing) since she’s in Virginia and unable to bring dinner herself.  Kim, Michelle, Kristie and Emily gave me the gift of an absolutely perfect spa weekend away (thanks for the facial, Kimmy!) and Sean is about to ride hundreds of miles in my honor to benefit caner research. Oh and my cousin Mike and his bride, Cathy, got tattoos in honor of me and my Aunt Bonnie!! Permanent tribute – wow!

We also had the complete joy of Daniel and Roger coming up from Portland for 2 nights (3 nights for Daniel!). Laughing, dancing (karaoke!), singing, cuddling – pretty much a perfect weekend. And seeing how much Desmond absolutely ADORED them was one of the highlights of my year (he was especially taken with Roger and now asks me on a daily basis where those “kids” are).

And I’m enjoying 24 hours of solo time thanks to my amazing mom-in-law who took Desmond for the night. Brian’s in Palm Springs for work, so I’m all by myself for the first time ever in our dream home. I spent the evening catching up on TV, partaking in some “herbal” remedies and staying in bed this morning until 10am.  Talk about renewal of the spirit!

So today is a good day. There are bad days…but maybe a few less than last month. Stage 4 cancer can actually be a perfect reminder to grasp life and relish in the sunshine.  xo

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to balance my life. It’s the same thoughts that all my working parent friends  face, but with the added complexity of a serious illness thrown in. I am not one to admit that I can’t do it all. In fact, It’s a point of pride that I can stay strong and determined through anything life throws me, and I’ve been doing that most of my life (my parents divorce, my mom’s illness, my mom’s suicide, my sister’s struggles). My philosophy is grin and bear it…with the grinning being a gift. However, it’s slowly dawning on me that maybe that’s been more of a survival mechanism that may actually be masking deep grief and anger. I’m starting to let down my “cheer” guard and allow myself to be sad and really MAD. I mean PISSED. No one should go through this shit, especially a 43 year old with a 3 year old son and loving husband and friends. Nope, that shit just ain’t right.

So I’m doing some work to let myself feel all the range of emotions and not automatically default to my happy go lucky space. I don’t think you’ll ever lose your smiley, cheery Michelle, but you may also see a more serious, sad Michelle. I’m working with my acupuncturist (who is also just a great Eastern spiritual guide) to work through some of those feelings. the acupuncture has been fantastic, I can literally feel sunshine flowing into the dark, evil cancer tumors in my back. I’ll continue adding some Eastern practices (herbs, meditation, sound therapy) into my traditional western practice (chemo, etc). I think THAT will help with this balancing act for sure. The yin and the yang of Eastern and Western medicine is a nice analogy of the balance I’m trying to achieve.

I’ve had some amazing kindnesses come my way lately. My lovely friends Kimmy (bestie), Michelle, Kristie and Emily wrapped me up in laughter, wine, yoga, facials and amazing food on our weekend away. Then I came home to a redecorated bedroom from Colleen (other bestie) that made my room finally feel like the sanctuary I need. I wore the cutest Kelly green raincoat to Leavenworth courtesy of Hollis (and her amazon gift certificate) and Andrea and Lacey treated me to the best homemade meal I’ve had in a long time.

It’s a sunny day today and I’m getting some rest while Brian and Desmond tromp around in the woods near our house. Again with the balancing, I am sick with a cough and cold and my back hurts…but I wanted desperately to join them (or even better join Phoebe and Lisa and the boys at the zoo), but I knew my body needed to REST and maybe my soul needed to reflect and have a little cry. Crying is still a very, very alien thing for me, but I’m letting it come when needed.  But I also plan to step out in the sunshine and soak that in today too.

A far more reflective post than late. Probably a sense of things to come. But know your happy, kitten loving friend is still here. And loving you all.

Hi friends. Time for another update on the ole roller coaster that is my life these days. With my usual silver lining start, I can report that the chemo is treating me VERY well! Not much nausea and just a little more tired than usual. There can be some annoying side affects (most notably hand and foot syndrome – which you can read about here), but in my first 2 weeks I’m doing totally fine.  And my back pain is much better – just kind of sore now but no real pain.

Unfortunately the down turn in this ride is the sinking realization of what Stage 4 cancer really means. For someone who feels way more natural being happy and cheery, thinking about death on a daily basis does not sit well.  The thoughts run the gamut, from practicalities (really need to update my living will) to sadness (I won’t be alive to see Desmond get his driver’s license). I hesitate to share those feelings because I know friends and family just want me to be positive or not to give up hope that I won’t survive this thing for decades to come. But there is a mourning that comes with realizing you have incurable cancer. The first few months I was in shock, and I think this is just a very natural thing in this stage of diagnosis to be going through. I have more sad days then I’m used to, but I also cherish happy times even more so then in the past.

Speaking of happy times, I have had some fantastic high points in the past week.  I met up with a new Support Group of women than are all under 45 and living with stage 4 cancer. They were all amazing, hilarious women (I LOVED all the cussing we all did) and I look forward to seeing them all every month. I also got together with my new friend Julie who helped me realize the feelings I’m going through are totally normal. She said it took her a good 6 months to really come to grips with all that a stage 4 diagnosis means.

And this past weekend was absolutely perfect!  Easter Sunday was gorgeous, gorgeous and filled with easter egg hunts with Brian’s family and later with all my best friends.  And Saturday night was a mini HS reunion with some of my favorite Bruins. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long, long time. I’m still on a nice little high from all the fun this weekend.

And coming up this weekend I get to go on a trip with 4 of my girlfriends. We’ll go up to Sleeping Lady Lodge in Leavenworth and drink wine, read magazines and get facials. Ahhhhh.

Hope you are all happy and healthy.  Much love to you for joining me in on this wild ride.

Hi friends and family.  Let’s start with some good stuff before we dive into the not so good.  As this blog serves as a bit of a time capsule (alright, along with my prolific Facebooking), I want to keep this updated on life events as well as stupid cancer events.  We had a wonderful time with friends down in Sayulita, Mexico a few weeks ago. Gorgeous sunshine and awesome friends were only marred by Desmond’s refusal to get in any type of water and all of us getting horribly sick at the end of the week. But the sun infusion made  it worth our discomfort.  I also celebrated pulling off a huge event with my work team for 3,000 Starbucks employees yesterday that we’ve been working on for months and months.  So that feels amazing.

So what DOESN’T feel amazing is my fucking cancer is thumbing it’s nose at our treatments to date and has decided to get worse.  I was having REALLY bad back pain (or I thought – turns out it can get worse) right after we returned from Mexico and my oncologist sent me in for a CT scan and a bone scan.  The joy of those two appointments turned out to be drinking 32 oz of barium (for the CT scan) which exasperated my Montezuma’s revenge beyond imagining and a killer panic attack in the bone scan machine (which I could only finish with Brian reading Game of Thrones out loud to me for a full hour).  Then Monday I woke up to the worst pain ever in my back (I’m talking similar to labor pains).  Hopped up on serious pain pills I was able to feel better by Wednesday.  And now we have the official news that not only is my cancer (bone mets) not better, it’s actually worse. It’s in SEVEN spots now (instead of the original 5) and it’s bigger in the original 5.  awesome.  What that means is my cancer says a big F-U to the drug Faslodex which does nothing to it.  It’s like the mighty mouse of cancer (how about that ancient reference??!!).

SO, the upshot is tonight I begin chemo.  I will be ingesting SIX (yes, 6) chemo pills a day.  The chemo is called Xeloda if you feel like looking it up.  I”ll take it for 2 weeks, then have one week off and repeat.  I’ll take this chemo until we see my cancer start to disappear (or seriously weaken).  The very good news is I WON’T LOSE MY HAIR!!  Oh yeah, the vain creature I am rejoices in that.  Sure, they’ll be some nausea and fatigue, but at least I’ll keep the hair I’ve been working on for 1.5 years.

If (when) the chemo starts to work, I’ll eventually go on a medication that was just approved recently called Afinitor. That I can stay on for a long time without the dirty little side affects of chemo.

I’m feeling okay.  Kind of freaked out that this cancer is so strong, but also feeling super feisty and pissed off and fired up to kick it’s ass.  I’ve learned to lean on friends and family more than in the past (lots of help with Desmond, lots of coming over to care for me when my back is so bad) and that is HUGE.  I’ll update soon to let you all know how the oral chemo goes…wish me luck! xoxo

Hi friends. Long overdue for an update. To be honest, it’s hard for me to blog when I’m feeling stressed and down. It’s such an uncomfortable way for me to feel since it’s so opposite of my normal mental state.  But this blog is all about capturing the ups and downs…so time to capture the down.

I’m struggling with this stage 4 diagnosis and how to attack it. The first time around we had a very clear start and end date to treatment. Mastectomy, chemo and radiation then DONE with cancer. Which obviously wasn’t the story end that was envisioned.  Now there is no “end” date and the treatment is much less aggressive (which in turn just feels like inactively). And for someone like me who is very task oriented, that is MADDENING. I know that the treatment I’m on is the right thing for me and since I’ll be in treatment for the rest of my life we need to take it slow and steady, but mentally I don’t feel as ‘kick ass’ as the first round.

Speaking of mental, I’m definitely feeling the strains of stress from this stupid diagnosis. I’m having a lot of stomach issues which we’ve determined is partially due to the radiation I had, but partially due to the stress. That obviously wasn’t helped by the stomach flu I had this week. GOOD times. But I now have some good medication that should help with that. The harder part is I have no capacity to deal with any kind of stress at all (beyond cancer stress).  I find my reaction to little stresses is far overblown for the situation. And I feel like screaming or sleeping a lot more often then usual. 😉

But there are wonderful kitten-like wins in my life. The continued support and love being showered upon me. All the amazing friends and family that contributed to our weekly meal delivery (such a help!), the weekly encouraging cards from Beth B., my friend Sean getting ready to ride his bike hundreds of miles in my honor to benefit cancer research (and all the lovely people that have contributed to that) and just the every day notes and hugs. It makes the frustration and stress fade to a tiny whisper.

And in 2 weeks we will travel down to glorious Sayulita, Mexico with Desmond and some friends to bask in the sun, drink margaritas and watch our kids frolic in the ocean. Sunshine and relaxation will go a long way to ease my soul. So happier posts to come! thanks for hanging in there with me. xo

Hi friends! LOTS of updates for you all, so dive into the fun.  Let’s start in true sunshine fashion with the good news..I’m done with radiation and my back feels better! Whoop! Radiation was an absolute breeze compared to my first time (I’ll start referring to that as Chapter 1). And finally I have some relief in my back. I haven’t had to take any of my pain pills in 5 days. It’s still sore..but nothing like the lightening, hot poker pain of the past few months.

Unfortunately poor little Desmond came down with RSV which basically is a nasty respiratory virus. We had to take him to Children’s Hospital Wednesday night because he was having such a hard time breathing. I tell ya, that kid has an uncanny ability to get real sick when I’m facing major health issues.  Last time was 5 days after my mastectomy. Thankfully he’s much better now but he’s been home since Thursday. Which means Brian and I have missed a TON of work. The stress got the better of me yesterday and I came down with a stomach virus.  Jesus, I just read this paragraph and had a flashback to my 90 year old Grandma. Complain, complain, complain. It does help to forget about your own terminal illness when your sweet baby boy is shallow breathing and hot with fever.

I was able to escape for a few hours on Saturday though and meet up with a lovely woman named Julie who is my new Stage 4 CB (cancer buddy). I met her through a friend and she’s been my guru for the past few weeks over email (and then finally in person).  First of all she gave me the most hope I’ve had yet, she had the EXACT same diagnosis as me (except her bone spots included her skull – scary!) and now SEVEN years later there is no sign of cancer any where!!

Now, I must stop and clarify something here. Unless a cure for cancer is finally found, you are never FREE of cancer once you are Stage 4.  So even though there is no sign of cancer on her bones, she is still in treatment. It is a truth of us stage 4s that we will be in treatment of some sort or another for the rest of our lives. But still…to hear that she has lived with this for 7 years and has clean scans is amazing to hear!

And then she took me to my first support group made up of women living with Stage 4. And there the real inspiration began. These woman are like Yoda and Confucius all wrapped into one (wise little wrinkled guy). There were 3 women that have been living with S4 for TWELVE years!!  12! and the amount of knowledge these woman have about medications and treatments could fill a text book. The thing I was most struck by was the grace in how they handle the thought of death. I know that sounds odd, but they have a peace and serenity when talking about it. But also a fierceness that they are LIVING with cancer (as opposed to dying of it). This group will be immeasurably powerful for me to attend monthly.

And then of course there is the stunning love and generosity so many of you are showing me. Brian’s mom has saved our life this week with helping to care for Desmond. Alyssa and David sent a lovely birchwood angel from Austrailia and Tanhya’s boyfriend  has a patron saint of cancer survivors blessed by his priest and sent to me.  My work family has been BEYOND supportive this week. And many of you contributed to get us meal deliveries once a week. I was blown away by that generosity and let me tell you..the food is AMAZING. and so healthy! You know I have to eat more veggies and this awesome food will certainly help.

So after a trying week, I feel lucky and happy and hopeful. What else could a gal ask for?  Oh…and I’m actually liking my hair these days (it’s getting longer!) so I’m including a picture of the length. 🙂  Love and kittens to you all!

I feel like I need to name my cancer, since it’s going to be around for the forseeable future (aka years and years).  Something horrible and insulting, like “Horace” or “Butthead”.  I’m open to suggestions.  Anyhoo, I’m reaching that exhausted point that comes with thinking about something shitty for hours each day.  I told Brian today that I’m kind of done with this whole “I have cancer” thing.  Which is quite the deja vu feeling.

There are certainly days where I just really don’t want to deal with this. It feels like I have to be so much more diligent this time around. The first time there was a clear plan and I knew that after 10 months of treatment I would be cancer free.  But with Stage 4 it’s more like having to make sure that I’ve exhausted all healing solutions.  Along with my medical healing, I need to make changes to my diet (more veggies!), look into acupuncture, make sure I (or my doctor) is up on the latest trials/research, start counseling, join support groups, etc., etc.  All while working full time and raising a active toddler.  Ugh.  You all know I rarely grant myself a pity party…but today I feel the need to throw up  my hands and admit (temporary) defeat.

However, in true sunshine and kittens fashion, there have been amazing moments over the past couple of weeks.  Today we had an amazing talk from a Harvard historian and professor who has battled breast cancer herself.  I was able to talk with her about my cancer and she had some very inspirational (and practical) advise.  And I’ve heard from countless people on friends/co-workers/family that were given a very short survival timeline and lived for decades with their cancer.

I’ve also gotten to spend some very important quality time with my friends and family.  We had a blast over New Year’s at the ocean with dear friends (including bestie Kim). And the fact I can walk a block to bestie Colleen’s house has been life saving over the last few weeks.  Brian’s mom spent the night this weekend which gave me time to relax and watch the joy Desmond has spending time with his Nana. Jen is putting together a nutrition plan for me and I get daily emails and notes from many of you.  Oh, and I’ve gotten back in touch with my Irish cousins who I haven’t seen in 14 years!  I was THRILLED to talk to all the McCluskey girls again and now have an Ireland visit on my short list of things to do in the next year or so.

So I’m hanging tough, friends. As far as treatment goes…only 4 more radiation treatments left and I just got my second round of Faslodex (by the way, shots really hurt in yer ass).  My back is still really hurting, but that’s what lovely pain pills are for.  Thanks for continuing to hang on for the roller coaster ride, I promise we’ll be on a fun loop de loop portion soon.  xoxo

Hi friends,

Things are looking up in Cancer-land.  My radiation treatments are a breeze with no weird side affects, although no relief from back pain yet.  But that’s what pain pills are for, right? Much more significantly, I’ve heard from a number of amazing, strong women that have lived with Stage 4 cancer for YEARS and YEARS (we’re talking almost 10!).  So I’m so much more hopeful for a long, happy life.  I mean, I HAVE to see Desmond graduate from college at the very least.

One of the ladies I’ve been emailing with, Julie, told me about a support group for women with metastasis cancer that meets once a month.  So I plan on joining the next one in January.  And I go in for another blood test (to check my cancer marker levels) on 1/18.  I’m all about taking action, so little things like these are helping me deal with this latest hiccup (yeah, cancer, you’re just a fucking hiccup to me!).

For those of you that are curious or scientifically minded, the medication cocktail I’m on consists of Lupron, Xgeva and Faslodex.  I’m also going to be meeting with a nutritionist as well as look into acupuncture.  Again, all these little things add up to the battle strategy.

Brian, Des and I are off to Seabrook for the New Year’s holiday with a bunch of our friends.  Really looking forward to walking on the beach and tons of laughter as we ring in 2013.  Happiest of New Year’s to you all! xo